I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
