You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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