Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
