Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
