you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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