If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
