woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
