Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
