she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
