2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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