I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
