I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
