I'm gonna have a badass scar
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
last night I used snow as a chaser
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