On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
