I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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