I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
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I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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