bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
