Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
foreskin is a definite game changer
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
