haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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