her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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