My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
