you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
