Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
