too bad you live with your parents still
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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