hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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