dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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