bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
