my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
