my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just sucked dick on a ferry
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
