i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
