i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
