Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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