Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
