i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
