You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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