hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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