4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
