At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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