She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
