you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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