So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she told me i tasted like america
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
