ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
