omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
