Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
