My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
