my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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