I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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