Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
