I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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