Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
