I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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