The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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