we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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